“I’ve been crying in front of my boss, are phone rejections more respectful, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

I’ve been crying in front of my boss, are phone rejections more respectful, and more
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I’ve been crying in front of my boss, are phone rejections more respectful, and more

Posted: 23 May 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I've been crying in front of my boss

I need some assistance with getting over some crying spells at work. Crying at work is not something I do. At least it wasn’t until I got pregnant. I think the biological changes brought on by pregnancy have made me more sensitive to criticism. Also, this a huge life change that can feel overwhelming at times. This has lead to four crying spells in front of my boss over the past six months. I did speak to HR about it and am working with my doctor. I have a history of anxiety, but my doctor doesn’t think I’m depressed. Outside of these incidents I don’t feel depressed (I feel stressed), but I seem unable to control my crying at times. In between these episodes, I also function completely normally at work and in the rest of my life, and have not had any complaints. I know this is excessive though, I just don’t know what to do about it, to stop it from happening, or to recover from it. For the record, the times I have cried, the circumstance would have been frustrating or even stressful to most people I think, but the crying is too much.

In the moment when it's happening, try saying something like, "Please ignore this — it's just a physiological reaction that's frankly embarrassing, but I do hear what you're saying and want to process it."

And if you haven't already talked to your boss about it, you could say something like, "I'm aware that I've gotten teary a few times when we've been talking lately. It's happened since I've been pregnant, and I think it's just physiological. I'm embarrassed by it and working to get it under control, and I definitely don't want you to think you need to pull any punches when talking to me about anything that could be stressful."

The idea here is to (a) acknowledge that you know this isn't ideal (since she may be worried it's a pattern that will continue, and may be be wondering what your take on it is), and (b) hopefully shore up her resolve to continue having conversations with you that could provoke tears, since you don't want her to start shying away from conversations she needs to have with you.

As for ideas on how to actually stop it, I'll throw that out to others to weigh in on.

2. Is rejecting people by phone more respectful?

I am the executive director of a nonprofit organization and am just finishing up a highly competitive hiring process. We flew in the top two finalists for in-person interviews this week and have since made up our mind about to whom we’ll extend an offer. My question is around best practices for notifying the other finalist that she didn’t get the job. In the past, I’ve always called finalists who did in-person interviews to let them know they didn’t get the job, as that seemed like the most respectful thing to do, but every conversation I’ve had like that has been awkward, if not rough, as the finalist has clearly been devastated and ended the call quite abruptly.

Simply sending a rejection email doesn’t feel right for someone who’s made the substantial investment (in terms of time and energy; we cover all expenses) of flying in for an in-person interview, but I’ve wondered if the phone call can be unhelpful in its own right because it doesn’t give them person privacy while processing what’s usually extremely disappointing news (and their emotion is often quite evident in our brief conversation). Is there a better way to handle these situations? Maybe emailing them to ask when would be a good time to give them a quick call to update them on the hiring process in a way that sounds formal but not enthusiastic, so they can better anticipate what’s coming? Or does that just needlessly draw out a process for which there is no great approach in terms of minimizing the blow?

It's so nice of you to want to do this in the way that's best for them, and not to seem to be giving them a perfunctory brush-off after they've invested time in talking with you. But go with the emailed rejection. Some people do appreciate a phone call, but significantly more people really don't want to learn about a rejection that way. The problem, as you've seen, is that it requires them to respond gracefully on the spot to what might be severely disappointing news, and many people want to process their disappointment privately. Also, emailed rejections are so very much the norm that you're not going to be perceived as doing something rude by sending them.

I also wouldn't email them to set up the call. That's likely to get some people's hopes up and make it all the more disappointing when they hear the news, and people are likely to be so eager to hear whatever you have to say that they may cancel plans or rearrange their schedule, and then be annoyed that they did that just to hear a rejection that could have been emailed.

So stick with email! But if you want to do it in a way that acknowledges the investment they've made, you can do that by personalizing the rejection letter. Instead of just sending a form letter, add a bit that's personalized to them — about what impressed you about their candidacy, or why you decided to go in a different direction, or a reference to something they mentioned, or so forth. Most people will appreciate that.

3. Company wants me to pay "my share" of business trip expenses

I have recently left a company where I worked as a contractor selling raffle tickets. After my first week, they asked me if I was interested in going on a business trip for a week. I did not sign anything for this trip and never received any kind of confirmation from them on how it would be paid. They did, however, tell me that accommodation was booked and they would be driving me there. From this I assumed it was a company-paid trip.

Just two days ago, I got a message saying that they have tallied the costs from the trip and I owe them $200 for my share of the accommodation, travel, and food costs. Is it my responsibility to make them tell me if I will be paying prior to the trip or their responsibility to inform me that I will be required to pay and provide a written agreement? I had no prior understanding that I would have to pay a share for the trip and had no say over accommodation, travel, or food. Can I ask them for proof of my share of the costs and proof that I was aware I would be paying?

You don't need to do that because you can and should simply say, "I think there must be an error here. This was a business trip and these were all business expenses incurred as part of my work." If they push back, then you can say, "It's so normal for business expenses on work travel to be paid by the company that it didn't occur to me you'd want me to pay part of these costs. It's certainly not something we discussed in advance. I won't be able to chip in for this and hope you'll treat it like any other business expense."

You're no longer working there so they really have no leverage to make you pay, and they certainly don't have any ethical standing to do so.

4. Can I ask my company to replace my personal laptop that I use for work?

I work at a very small UK tech company where I started as an intern. The day before I started, my new boss emailed me to tell me I would need to use my personal laptop for work because they would not be providing me with a company device. I hadn't realized it was a BYOD company, but luckily I did have a laptop of my own.

Fast forward to two years later: the team has grown and newer employees are using company laptops. Meanwhile, I'm still using my personal laptop (I have a separate login for work). In the last couple of days, my computer has started complaining that the battery needs a service. Pretty soon, I reckon the whole thing is going to pack up entirely (using it for work purposes has really run it into the ground). I can just about afford to service the battery but I certainly won't be able to afford a new laptop if my current one dies. My question is: do I have any standing to ask for the company to pay for part or all of a new personal laptop/battery? My boss and I have a good relationship, so I'm looking for a diplomatic way to frame a request if you think it's reasonable.

They probably aren't going to buy you a whole new computer that you'd own personally (as opposed to one the company would own), but if you're going to continue using this one for work, you do have standing to ask them pay for the battery. You also have standing to just say, "My computer is dying and I don't plan to replace it. Can we order me a company laptop like the newer hires have?" (Frankly, even if your battery weren't dying, you'd have standing to say, "I've noticed we're getting company laptops for new hires, but I'm still using my personal laptop like when I was first hired. Can we order a company laptop for me so I'm not putting so much wear and tear on my personal machine?")

5. Did I get rejected because I asked for a few days to put my references together?

I recently submitted my resume for a management position with a large nonprofit I worked for 20 years ago in a different city. I had a phone interview with HR, an in-person interview with two people present and two over Skype, and a third interview over Skype. I felt they went very well, and in the final interview they asked me how soon I could start.

On a Monday afternoon, I received an email that they would like to check my references via an online reference checking program. They were requesting five references (with two of them being current or former managers) within the next 24 hours. I have been in my current position for seven years and have not kept in touch with my most recent former managers (although they have given me glowing references in the past) and I was not comfortable letting my current manager know that I was job hunting. I wrote them back the next morning to let them know that due to these factors, it might take a few days to hunt all the references down. By Thursday morning, all my references had been submitted. First thing on Friday, I received an email that they were not moving forward with my application. Do you think this is because I took three days to give them my references? Is asking for five references excessive or is this the norm these days?

Five isn't wildly out of the norm, although three is more common. Five is a lot though.

It's possible that they rejected you for reasons that have nothing to do with your references — like that their first choice candidate came through, or they had other reservations that you didn't know about, or who knows what. It could also be that during the time it took for you to gather your references, they checked someone else's references and were won over by the person. And it's possible, although less likely, that they were put off that you didn't have your references ready to go. (It's true that normally you should have already put those together, on the assumption that if you're interviewing, they're likely to be requested at some point. But it's not something to reject you over.)

Is it ever advisable to reach out to a hiring manager before applying to a position? For example, if you’re hoping for clarification of what they’re looking for in a candidate or something along those lines. Is that okay or is it a bit obnoxious when you’re trying to get through piles of applications?

It varies, but in most cases, you’re better off just applying.

First, they’ve really told you what they intend to tell you about the job in the job posting. Yes, job postings aren’t always clear (sometimes far from it), but that’s what they’ve put out there to communicate with applicants. If other people are able to get the basics from it, you risk looking like you need hand-holding if you can’t. (And in my experience, when I’ve had candidates reach out to me with questions before applying, it’s nearly always just a rehash of what was in the posting, which leaves me wondering why they felt the need for special contact.)

Second, employers are fielding hundreds of applicants. It’s not realistic to talk with all these people, or even with half of them … and the vast, vast majority of them are going to be screened out in the initial resume review. So most hiring managers would rather get a look at your resume first before deciding if it makes sense to talk further. (And in my experience, the candidates who reach out before applying are rarely the strongest ones. That might just be the odds — since most candidates aren’t the strongest ones — or it might say something about the resourcefulness/confidence/self-sufficiency of the candidates who are the strongest. I’m not sure which it is.)

That said, there are some hiring managers who who talk briefly with people who reach out, particularly for certain jobs. I’m often happy to talk briefly with prospective candidates for senior or hard-to-fill jobs before they apply, because an especially important part of the hiring process with those jobs is locating the right people and getting them in the candidate pool. But I want them to send me their resume first, so I have a sense of whether they’re likely to be competitive or not before I agree to do it. (And even in these cases, I’ve found that my observation above still holds true: The strongest candidates rarely bother with this; they just cut to the chase and apply. And so years of observing that means that I’ve always got some skepticism when someone reaches out with pre-application questions.)

Anyway … you might be thinking that it’s unreasonable to expect you to put time into writing a cover letter and perhaps filling out a time-consuming application if you can’t even get some basic questions answered first to determine your initial interest in the job. And maybe it is — but most hiring managers are busy people, they know that they’re going to reject 80% of applicants as soon as they skim their materials and so the odds are high that you’re in that group, and they know that if even a small fraction of applicants reached out for personal attention before applying, they’d be swamped.

Fair or unfair, that’s the reality.

So what’s the upshot? I’d say that it’s this: Reach out only if you really have to, and use a high bar for how you’re defining “have to.” If you’re just interested in learning more but figure you’re going to apply regardless, skip the call or email and just apply. If you’re not sure you’re qualified, well, that’s why we have the application process, so just apply. In most cases, just apply.

By the way, one exception to this is if you have a connection to the hiring manager. In that case, you’re not a stranger cold-calling or cold-emailing; you’re one contact reaching out to another, and that gives you an in that isn’t subject to everything above.

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