“can I ask a new hire to use a nickname, manager asks for money for food and gas, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

can I ask a new hire to use a nickname, manager asks for money for food and gas, and more
update: I’m about to go on medical leave, but I’m also hoping to take my long-delayed honeymoon
how does your job interviewer find out what you’re really like?
my boss wants to give me his kidney — but I don’t want it

can I ask a new hire to use a nickname, manager asks for money for food and gas, and more

Posted: 22 May 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I ask a new hire to use a nickname since we share the same first name?

We're in the process of interviewing and we've found a great candidate that we might be ready to move forward with. A big snag though is that she has the same first name as me. We work in a small office with less than 10 people, but we utilize over 300 volunteers, most of whom are 60+. Because of my position, I don't have day-to-day interaction with most of the volunteers, but it's important that they know that I'm the one in charge. We'll also both be out in the community doing outreach events and again, it's important for the community to know the difference. Is it out bounds to I ask her to go by a nickname? (For example, if we're both named Amanda, could I ask her to go by Mandy?)

It is indeed out of bounds! Names are really personal, and you can't ask someone to change what they go by. But you can certainly suggest that she go by Amanda S. or whatever her last initial is — just as you'd have to do if the name didn't lend itself as easily to a nickname, like Karen or Lila. And when you suggest that, it's possible that she'll volunteer that she sometimes goes by Mandy and would be happy to do it at work, but you've got to let that come from her.

Or, of course, you can be the one to use a nickname, if you want the first names to be different — but I think you'll find that people figure it out and make do. (Ask all the Sarahs and Matts out there.)

2. Manager keeps asking team members for money for food and gas

I am the supervisor of the payroll department of a medium-sized organization. The department consists of an assistant supervisor (Arya), 3 payroll clerks (Robb, Bran, and Rickon), and an administrator assistant (Sansa). It has come to my attention Arya keeps asking Robb, Bran, Rickon, and Sansa for money. It is nearly a daily occurrence. She tells them she cannot afford food, or petrol to get to work or winter clothing when the weather is cold, and she needs their help.

I feel this is unacceptable. We live in one the lowest cost of living area in the country. Arya makes double the average salary of the area and one and a half times what Robb, Bran, Rickon, and Sansa are paid. Her husband is a member of a trade union and his salary is publicly available. He earns even more than Arya does. They take extravagant vacations abroad and they have a cottage in the country that Arya always mentions in addition to their regular home. Arya dresses well and owns a newer model vehicle. It does not appear she needs money. Even if she did, it is not right of her to pressure people she supervises. Given that money is involved, it is a touchy subject. In the past I have lived on a shoestring budget and I know what it is like to be skint. How do I address this with Arya to make it clear her behavior is unacceptable while being sensitive enough that if she is having money trouble it won’t offend/upset her?

Oh my goodness, yes, you must tell her directly to cut it out. It wouldn't be okay for her to be pressuring coworkers for money regardless, but it's especially not okay because she manages them. And while diplomacy and tact are lovely things, in this case it's more important to be very clear than it is to not upset her, given how inappropriate it is for her to do this to people she supervises.

You could open by saying something like this: "I've been told that you've been asking Robb, Bran, Rickon, and Sansa for money. Is everything okay?"

Depending on her response, you could offer to connect her with resources to help with food or other support. But then say this: "I'm sympathetic if you're going through a hard time and we can see if there are any other resources the company can connect you with, but I want to be clear that you absolutely can't ask others in the department for money. That would put any colleague in an awkward position, but it's especially inappropriate because you manage them and they may feel some pressure to agree. This is not something you can ask them again."

3. Should I continue with this interview process?

I am currently employed but have been passively/actively job searching for a variety of reasons. In the past month, I have completed two phone screening interviews with one company.

The first phone screen went decently well, and I was progressed to the second phone screen. Events beyond my control occurred with the second phone screen. The cell phone network on that day experienced severe system wide outages, the phone connection was extremely problematic, and in the end the phone screen had to be rescheduled to the next day. On top of that, I was suffering from a severe cold/virus, was working from home (to avoid infecting my coworkers), and had pretty much lost my voice at that point. I felt that I did not present myself very well in the second phone screen. The feedback the company HR and the recruiter gave me was that I needed to work on providing concise answers to their interview questions. I was informed at that point that the company felt that I was qualified and could perform the job duties but the company would continue to interview other candidates.

Approximately 1.5 weeks have passed, and the company HR rep emailed me last Friday indicating that they want to fly me out to their location for the next interview. I am ambivalent about wanting to continue the interview process because I am aware that I am not the “top choice” candidate for this position and I have been selected by default — i.e. no other qualified or suitable candidates at this point. I do find the duties being required for this position personally interesting (this is work that I like to do and am interested in doing) but there are other factors in this situation to consider also (salary, other risks related to the position and company, etc.).

What do you think? Should I continue onwards with the interview process or at this point “gracefully” bow out of the process? My gut feel is that my probability in receiving a job offer from this company is fairly good if I continue the interview process but I do not want to waste their time and money if I ultimately do not intend to take this position. This position is a lateral move for me compared to my current job career-wise and it does sting a little that I am not a “top choice” candidate. I am aware that overcoming (slightly) negative impressions whether in an interview or ultimately as an employee is an uphill climb/battle and am not sure whether continuing the effort is worth it.

If you're interested in the job, go to the interview! People get hired as second choice candidates all the time! (And third choice and so on.) The fact that they didn't think you were 100% perfectly matched with the job is no more of a problem than you not being 100% sure about a job yourself (and really, no one should ever be 100% sure on either side until more exploration is done anyway). It's not an insult or a sign they'd only hire you under duress.

If they truly had negative impressions, it's unlikely they'd be continuing (although you can watch for signs of that, like if they seem highly skeptical when talking to you). It's more likely that they just weren't fully sold, and that's a very normal part of a hiring process and doesn't mean they won't be happy to hire you in the end. Hell, companies outright reject plenty of people who they'd be happy to hire, simply because other candidates in the mix at that time happen to be better (but in the same hiring process three months later, with different candidates in the mix, one of those rejected candidates could have been hired).

Also, in your specific situation, they might have just realized, "You know, it wasn't the greatest interview but she was sick and the phone connection sucked. She does look qualified so let's move forward and get more info."

4. Should I offer to take less money in exchange for working remotely?

I am job hunting and would like a more flexible schedule at my next position, meaning the opportunity to telecommute a few days a week. I currently make about $150k a year (mid-level but independent contributor and non-supervisor) but am willing to consider a lower salary if I can have a more flexible schedule. Do I say this up front during the interviews or should I even have to? Meaning, should it be expected that i comprise my salary if i am asking for these additional benefits or should i have to have have to sacrifice salary if I want a flexible schedule as well?

Nope, don't offer to take less money. You're not offering to contribute at a lower level, after all, and you definitely don't want them to think that's what you'll be doing. It's possible that during negotiations, you'll need to compromise on money to get this instead, but don't start off by offering it because most companies that will approve remote work don't expect to pay you less in exchange for it.

5. My office is throwing me a bridal shower but I'm leaving soon

I’m getting married in a few weeks and I’m also in the middle of a job search. I don’t particularly love my company or my current role, but there are several great people in this office who I have excellent working relationships with. The office is throwing a small bridal shower for me where I’ll undoubtedly get gifts from some people (based on office bridal/baby showers I’ve been to here in the past) and I’m already feeling bad about receiving gifts and well wishes from everyone then leaving a month or two later. Should I be worried about this? My plan now of course will be to write thank you notes like I would any other gift giving situation. Just not sure if I should be more apologetic about leaving based on this?

Nah, you're fine. These are people who presumably like you and genuinely wish you well, and are happy to have the opportunity to celebrate a milestone in your life. (Assuming that participating is voluntary, and all the usual caveats here office celebrations.)

It's very unlikely that anyone will think, "I never would have chipped in for that blender if I'd known she was going to be leaving" — and if they do, they'd be the one being unreasonable, not you. Allowing a bridal shower does not obligate you to stay at your job any longer than you otherwise would.

Because of the sudden change in my health, I had to let my boss, who I have only worked for for six months, know that I would be out several times a week for the treatments. He has been incredibly supportive and I am grateful. However, his support is almost TOO much. He regularly visits me while I’m getting treatments (not to assign work, like another boss someone wrote in about), but just to offer support and “keep me company.” I appreciate that he wants to be there for me, which I think comes from his knowing I don’t have any family locally, but this is unnecessary. My treatments make me very, very tired and I often get sick during and after them. I delicately let him know that I prefer to have my treatments alone, and to his credit, he has cut back on his pop-ins significantly, but now I have another hurdle … he wants to give me his kidney.

Organ donation is very invasive and recovery can take months. There are so many issues with that organ coming from my boss that I don’t even know where to begin, but here’s the main two:

1. Would my boss then feel as if I was obligated to stay in my position? I love my job and have no plans to leave anytime soon, but I don’t want to feel guilty about doing what’s best for me career wise because my supervisor literally saved my life.

2. Things can go wrong with organ donation. There are so many risks that I don’t feel comfortable having my boss undertake on my behalf.

I don’t currently have another donor lined up, but I know I am not comfortable accepting my boss’s offer. How do I tell my incredibly generous boss that I don’t want his kidney, when he knows that if I don’t find an alternative, I could possibly die? He is such a kind man, and I would like a way to firmly, but kindly let him know that isn’t something I can allow him to do, while also expressing my gratitude at the offer.

How about this: "This is an incredibly kind and generous offer and I'm so grateful that you'd consider it. There are enough risks with organ donation and potential complications to our employment relationship that I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting that from my boss — I hope you understand. Honestly, the best thing you can do for me is what you've been doing — giving me the flexibility that I need for medical treatments. You're the only person in my life who's in a position to do that, and that on its own has made this time so much easier for me."

If he continues to push his kidney (a surprising phrase to write), say this: "It actually makes my life easier and less stressful if we keep our relationship to boss/employee rather than donor/organ recipient. I love my job and I don't want to introduce any potential complications to that. I'm really grateful for the offer, and I hope you understand."

If he continues to push after that, personally I would yell "I will not take your kidney!" but adapt to whatever you're comfortable with.

By the way … there is such a thing as too much support, if it ignores the stated wishes of the person being supported. I don't know how delicate you were when you told him you prefer to have your treatments alone, but "cutting back" on his visits is not the same as respecting your request that he stop. That said, if "delicate" means that you hinted to the point that the message wasn't quite clear, you may need to be more direct. It's okay to say, "It's so kind of you to come check on me, but the treatments take so much out of me, and sometimes make me sick, that I find I prefer to do them alone." You could also enlist the staff at the clinic and have them tell him you're resting and not accepting visitors the next time he shows up.

Your boss is clearly trying to help. If he's as supportive as he seems to be trying to be, you'll be doing both of you a favor if you let him know (kindly and with enthusiasm) the ways in which you welcome his help — and the ways in which you don't.

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